Imagine you meet a new coworker. They introduce themself and say, “Hi, my name is Veronica and I use they/them pronouns.”
With more and more of Gen Z entering the workforce, this situation is becoming increasingly common in the U.S. Indeed, 53% of trans adults in the U.S. are under the age of 35.
So how should you respond? As a nonbinary person who uses they/them pronouns, I offer here five tips for success in navigating they/them pronouns in the workplace and in your everyday life.
They/them pronouns are grammatically correct
Here’s something your middle school grammar teacher might not have taught you: The singular “they” has been around since 1375. It’s also grammatically correct, at least according to the American Dialect Society, where it won Word of the Year in 2015.
So if you object to the singular “they” because it’s not grammatically correct, you are fighting a losing battle. It’s also a respect thing: If someone introduces themself with a nickname, do you ask to see their birth certificate? If not, you should try to use they/them pronouns for your new co-worker.
Practice, out loud
Before I realized I was nonbinary, I had a nonbinary roommate. I remember being absolutely petrified; I thought, how in the world am I going to get their pronouns correct? Of course, I messed up at times, but one thing that really helped me was practicing out loud. It seems silly, but the practice of verbalizing they/them pronouns makes it easier to use them! Soon, your brain will categorize any other pronouns used for the person besides they/them as incorrect.
Don’t do a deep dive into the person’s gender
I know it’s tempting and you’re curious. You just learned about they/them pronouns and you have a billion questions. When did the person decide to use they/them pronouns? What does cisgender mean (see below)? Maybe you’re even starting to question your own gender. Existential dread might be setting in — and you have no idea what to do.
The last thing you want to do is put this on your new co-worker. People who use they/them pronouns get a lot of questions, all the time. This can be really exhilarating at first, but can also be extremely burdensome. Sometimes, we just want to eat our lunch and have our pronouns respected too! Any questions that you have can probably be answered with online guides, like this one or this one. Oh, look, here’s a cartoon!
If you misgender someone, just apologize and move on
So, you made a mistake. You used the wrong pronoun. That’s totally OK and normal. Our brain is sort of hard-wired to categorize people into boxes. This person is a woman or this person is a man. There is no in-between. Because of this, it makes sense that our brains would categorize someone as male or female even if they don’t identify that way. That’s why it’s important to rewire our brains to start using they/them pronouns. If you make a mistake, just apologize. Don’t make a big deal out of it, because it isn’t that big of a deal. It happens all the time. Just correct yourself and move on.
Put in the effort
The biggest problem I see in my life regarding people using they/them pronouns for me is a lack of effort. I don’t care how many mistakes you make, as long as you are trying. However, if there’s no effort being put into an important part of my identity, then I have to question how much of an ally you are.
Often, I see cisgender people — those whose gender identity matches their assigned gender at birth — put more effort into correctly gendering a dog than a human. If you can do it for a dog, you can do it for a human. If you want to be a good ally (and a good human), please put in effort. We notice, I promise.
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By reading this article, you are taking the first steps in educating yourself and being a good ally. Your new nonbinary co-worker will love you. You’ll have a great new co-worker relationship in no time!
Nathaniel Snedeker (they/them) is a recent graduate of St. Olaf College with a B.A. in religion. They are currently a housing support case manager in Minneapolis.
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